it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
