look no pants
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
