My sheets look like a crime scene.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
