I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize