One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
