Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
