I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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