What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
