Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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