Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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