i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
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