i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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