Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize