I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
