dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
