I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
