thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
