I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
