Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Randomize
