If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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