My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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