I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
