just tell him i said nine months
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
