i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
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i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
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Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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