did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
