This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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