I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
