she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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