I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
