Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
