Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
