My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
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