eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
