____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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