i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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