just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
