We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
