the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
