Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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