you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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