I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
