i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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