oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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