i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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