Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
