Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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