The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
