u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
