on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
