I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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