Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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