you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
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Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
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Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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