We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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