i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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