So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
