you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
So. Much. Porn.
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